Old Wives’ Tales

I took a half day off yesterday to watch a thriller with my mentee. It was a great outing because we managed to chat about many things and helped me relax from the stress that had been piling up at work. I ate an “old wives biscuit” (or “lao po bing”) made in HongKong for tea time. It was really delicious, but the most wonderful part was that while I was eating, I was just so thankful to God that I am given the freedom to enjoy the biscuit. I really enjoyed it! It wasn’t like last time where I treated it as a challenge and I’d eat it, but feel guilty after that. This time, I just ate. Period. No guilt or shame. It was just something that gave me energy for my activities in the afternoon. I wouldn’t say that I’m totally free from Ed, because I’m still afraid of many foods. But step by step, I am striving to overcome my fears of them. I realized that it is only through going right out and trying that I will find out for myself that all those silly Ed fears are untrue. I am in the position to disprove  for myself all those fallacies that Ed is telling me, with God and my support team’s reassurances along the way.

The name of the biscuit prompted me to do a google search on old wives’ tales. I remember I was told last time that if I didn’t finish my food on the plate, my husband would have many pimples. It was probably an attempt to get me to clean off my plate, but I believed anyway. Only much later did I realize that it was just a myth. I was also told that if I swallowed the seeds of an apple, a tree would sprout out on the top of my head the next day. Again, the tale was probably to scare me from choking on the seeds of fruits. Here are several other interesting old wives’ tales that I stumbled upon. Some really tickled my funny bone.

• Sit down in front of the mirror; watch your reflection while eating the apple. Once you have finished the apple, keep watching your reflection while brushing your hair. The image of the man you are to marry will appear over your shoulder.
• In Sweden if a ladybug walks on a girl’s hand it signifies that it is measuring her hand for wedding gloves, which means she will be married soon. (Aren’t ladybird’s cute? Just a random question: Have you wondered why ladybirds are called ladybirds? If you know the answer, please tell me! I’ve been mulling over it. =P )

• Eating bread crusts will make your hair curly.
• If your right hand itches, you will receive money; if the left itches, you will get a letter.
• If you sew anything on Sunday; when you get to heaven you will have to pick the stitches out with your nose.

I learnt that the “old wives” of these tales were probably wise village women such as grandmothers, mothers, midwives and healers. They were considered experts in nutrition, children, folk medicine, herbs and death. Nowadays, old wives’ tales are mostly considered as unsubstantiated traditional beliefs and urban legends. Some of them do contain a grain of truth and have a scientific basis. Yet others are pure superstition. But why do we still cling to them even in this era of medical advancement and technological know-how? Perhaps it’s because they offer words of comfort about experiences we share. Perhaps it’s because they offer some sense of security in areas they we have little control over. Do this, and good luck will follow. Otherwise, something bad will befall you.

I can draw a parallel in my experience with Ed. Even though the lies that Ed told me were blatantly false, I still held on to them as “my truths” because they offered me security. I believed that as long as I could be thin and perfect, people would like me. As long as I could win everyone else in this area, I would be the victor. As long as I kept my weight low, everything would miraculously fall into place. Ed offered me the short cut to solving the world’s problems. Or so I thought. When my friends started commenting on me, I automatically thought that the solution was to lose weight. Then I would be popular again. Little did I know that the real issues were about my relationship with God, what I placed confidence in and the things I valued. As I sunk deeper and deeper into my eating disorder, it was like my brain connections had been short-circuited. I attributed everything to food and weight. If it was a “bad day”, it was a “fat day” or because I thought I had gained weight or eaten too much. If I felt mad, sad, or scared, I would immediately think, “I feel fat”. It was just the easy way out. It was just easier to direct my anger and attention to something physical, something tangible, something I could see and touch, rather than deal with all the uncertainties and complexities in life. I didn’t know how to cope with life in any other way than Ed’s way. According to Ed, I just had to obey him, then everything would turn out fine. At least I could control that. It seemed like the panacea to all my troubles. So I believed in Ed’s tales – my old husband’s horrid, deceptive tales.

But of course, Ed never tells the truth. He holds no solution. In fact, he just makes things worse. As much as he offered me security in that skeletal body of mine, I also felt strangely insecure. I didn’t know when I’d draw my last breath. I didn’t know when someone would suddenly spring on me and gorge me with food. I faced nightmares at night of snakes strangling me. It was a horrible experience. Now that I am getting better, I realize that there’s no other way out than the way through. I had to start learning. And it’s never too late to learn. I had to learn how to cope with life’s difficulties in healthy ways. It wasn’t easy. I had been sheltered my whole life. To crawl out of my shell took a lot out of me. But slowly, I started to experience the joys of living life as an adult. I used to be really afraid of being a grown-up. I feared the dark side of man. I didn’t like the thought of people out there scheming to take advantage of me. The world seemed like a scary, distrustful place. But now, I like being a grown-up because I get to see and savor so many different things. I get to meet different people who enrich my life’s experiences and make me see things from different perspectives. When I was little, I had to be taken care of. Now, I learn to care for myself and for the people around me. There is just so much joy in helping people and being a part of other people’s lives, because we are all fellow sojourners in life’s long journey. When I am an adult, I get to have an impact on things. I get to be independent and do what I couldn’t do when I was little. That’s why I like being an adult now. Though there may be unpleasant things in this world, they will always be there regardless of whether we are children or adults. It’s just that being adults mean we become aware of their presence. But being adults also mean we are now able to discern and decide how we want those things to affect us. Perhaps it’s a matter of learning to cope with them, and choosing to focus on the beauty and positive things in life rather than the negative and toxic side of it.

Back to my previous post on seeking help, I read this from Shannon Cutts’ book, “Beating Ana”:

You are not a burden or needy by asking someone else for help and support – rather, you are a participant in the human experience of helping, being helped, and then passing it on.

How true! It totally transformed my idea about seeking others for help. We are all broken people helping each other along life’s journey. No person can be perfect. Even the strongest person in this world will have flaws and weaknesses. No one can do everything by himself. When we receive help, we get helped and in turn, we can help others. It goes in a circle. When I was sick with anorexia, I always thought, “I can only help people when I am fully recovered. I can only do things when I get my life back.” But I realized that it’s not true, because this is life! A day in recovery from anorexia is also part of living! Every moment I breathe is life! And if I was living, I had the ability to help people and to have an impact. If God was working through me, then what Ed says to me (that I am worthless, insignificant, and useless) must be totally false, because God’s Holy Spirit empowers even the weakest of souls to accomplish great things! Even within my small circumscribed existence, I can also help brighten the lives of people around me. For example, while I was hospitalized, I kept an elderly man there company by talking to him when he was bored. In turn, he taught me many life principles and I learnt not to take things too hard. Hence, we helped each other even though both of us were sick – him with depression, me with anorexia. I never thought that I’d have the courage to talk openly to people, much less people who had different life experiences from me. But this year was a fruitful year spent mentoring sweet 15-year-old F who came from a broken family and had even run away from home before, former drug addicts, and even a few girls suffering from eating disorders. So we can make a difference, wherever we are. One second of your time can make a lifetime of difference in someone’s life. One simple smile. One small act of kindness. Wherever you are – at home, in school, at work, on the bus. You never know how God will use you to touch the life of another. So be a participant! Help, be helped, and pass it on! Contrary to what Ed or other people say, you are not worthless, insignificant, or useless. God can use you greatly to accomplish His purposes, if you will allow yourself to be a channel of His love.

(I like the Chinese word “ai” because it has a “you” at the bottom (meaning friendship).

I read this during my morning devotionals.

Isaiah 62:3

You will be a crown of splendour in the Lord’s hand. a royal diadem in the hand of the Lord.

What a wondrous reassurance! It is indeed comforting to know that I am the daughter of a King, and that God holds me in His hand. He made me for His glory and He delights in seeing me shine for Him!

There was another quote I loved from “Beating Ana”:

Love is the one force in this universe that can comfort, redirect, and inspire even the most rebellious and negative mind to transform itself into a force that can make an eating disorder stop dead in its tracks, stare, turn, and flee – never to be seen again! If you want your eating disorder out of your life once and for all, the surest way to accomplish this is to let love in.

Open the floodgates and let love pour in! Have a lovely weekend, dear friends! You can make a difference!