Posted by: soulvoyager | May 15, 2010

The Trials That Come My Way

Apologies for this later than usual post. Some events that occurred this week have left me feeling rather emotionally drained and mentally disoriented. I still can’t comprehend how it is, that one single person’s decision can affect so many people’s lives. One brief second, one simple word, one capricious whim. They seem so much like the careless swishing of the wind’s flowing beard, setting all parts of the wind mill spinning crazily.

I had a sudden craving for something sweet, to neutralize the bitterness that I had been experiencing over the past few days. So here’s what I baked yesterday, to the delight of my family… apple crumble! I felt so happy when everyone raved about how nice it tasted. At first, I thought that were just being polite. But when I actually ate it, all warm and toasty, I decided that it didn’t taste too bad at all! At least I would consider it a good try, though it can probably be improved a little more. =P I realized that these are the things that make me happy. Sharing a part of me with the people I care for. Enjoying a simple cake with my family and Sleepy pig. Knowing that no matter what, family’s always here to stay.

And here’s what we got Mum for Mother’s Day last Sunday… a Matcha cake! I love my Mum soooo much! Seriously, the simplest things makes her squeal and jump for joy! Sometimes when I email her some sweet nothings (yes, we do email each other like lovers whispering sweet nothings), she re-reads my email a hundred times just to let the words sink into her heart. When I wrote a note saying “You are beautiful”, she pasted it on her mirror and it has remained there till today. Wow! If my words meant anything to anyone, Mum would be one of those who treats my words like treasure, and I feel so loved when she takes me into her arms and hugs me like there’s only two of us in the whole world! Ok, I’m getting a little mushy here, but she’s really such a great Mum!

When I was little, I wasn’t a very obedient girl. I would play with the water in the big tub near the washing area. Of course, that was dangerous and Mum had warned me time and again not to go near that tub. But in sheer defiance, I still ventured there, just to test waters, literally. You can probably guess that I got a good spanking after that, but I always knew that she hurt much more than me whenever she metes out her punishment. Her anger never lasts for long and she is always willing to forgive me, even when I do things that break her heart. When I got afflicted with my eating disorder, she never abandoned me. While at the beginning, we fought a lot because she couldn’t understand my eating disorder, she still persevered and gradually learnt how to cope with it. I too learnt that parents are going through their own growing up process. In the midst of the crisis, we learnt to love, to communicate, and to forgive each other in a way that we never knew before.

As I sought to find my footing in the midst of the confusion this week, one thing became clear to me. It is time for change. Ever since Sleepy pig’s return, I had a sense that this was going to happen anytime, ‘this’ meaning the readjustment of my priorities in life. I had seriously thought that I would stop blogging, because I was getting so stressed up with the overwhelming demands on my time and energy. I even wrote out my whole farewell post to all you guys. But as I logged on to my blog and started typing, the words that you just read above flowed out of me like a torrent. It was then that I knew that I still do want to blog. I will probably have to post less frequently, or post shorter blogs. But blogging and writing is such a passion in my life and I know that I will feel much emptier without it.

In the process of making this decision, I have come to realize that God is the Lord and master of my life. I have come to a place of rest and peace, knowing that even when all else is stripped away, even if my blog is somehow taken away or that I should give it up one day, God will still be the sole sustenance of my soul. I have many things to do and to work on. I’d have to juggle my time really carefully now. Moreover, I really hope to spend time on the classes that I’ve just taken up, as well as devote my attention and energy towards my family, friends, Sleepy pig and the people I’m serving. Sometimes, life is as such. As we meander along its twists and bends, there are moments which call for us to regroup, reprioritize, and readjust our bearings to align it with the new reality. In this period of adjustment, it might be tiring and confusing for a while, but I think there are lessons to be learnt as God calls me to a greater trust and dependence on Him.

I also started thinking back on the past nine months or so since I first started blogging. I never thought that I would have reached a hundred posts, but now I’m at my 115th post! And it has been just wonderful meeting all the beautiful bloggers out there, giving and receiving support, and getting to know each one of you. It has been an encouraging community that I’ve gotten to know, and I really thank God that our paths have crossed.

At the same time I am excited at the prospect of starting a new chapter in my life, pursuing my passions and interests, learning afresh what it really means to trust and depend on God to lead the way, and growing deeper in relationship with the people around me.

I also want to make a re-commitment here, that I will continue to walk boldly on in this path of recovery from my eating disorder. Though marred by difficulties and fraught with dangers, I trust that the Lord has His own perfect timing and purpose. I am also much encouraged in the knowledge that I have the support of my family and close friends who have never failed to shower me with all the love they could give.

As C.S. Lewis says in his classic book “Mere Christianity”,

“Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.”

By God’s grace and His power working within me, I will continue to make brave, wise choices each day, choices that rally for life, choices that speak of who I am as God’s child, choices that pave the way towards recovery. The events that occurred this week have spun my life around 180 degrees. It was an emotionally straining time and I really felt discouraged and disillusioned. But I know that God is calling me to hold on to the faith and to remember that He is the same faithful God who has watched over me thus far and who will continue to watch over me in every trial in my life, till I meet Him face to face. In the meantime, I have to stand firm on my path of recovery and not waver simply because things in life don’t always go smoothly. It is a lie that Ed will make things better because he never does. I will have to face these life challenges bravely and learn not to rely on Ed anymore. This is a time of testing. I trust that God will provide all I need to go through it and that in the process, my relationships will be further strengthened and my character further refined.

Oh, by the way, just to clarify again, I will continue blogging, though probably not as often as before.  Take care and have a nice weekend, dear friends. Love you all!

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Responses

  1. I love you soooo sooooo much too. Simple and little things which you do always never fail to put a smile on my face. I love your apple crumble and it’s so sweet and thoughtful of you to bake it for all of us despite a hard day at work. It’s simply yummy and we all love it! Gonna have some more of it later! Hee!

  2. I keep reading your post over and over about God and choices. You are an amazing person. Thank you for some late-night inspiration while running around my apartment. You gave me a bit of calm.

    PS Your pictures are beautiful!

  3. Wow. This post is just so beautiful….Seeing your love and joy for your mom, and your mom’s pride and love for you….what a great, beautiful, priceless thing.

    I KNOW you’re still going to continue on with your recovery. I have absolute faith in the God in you. You are growing each day, and it’s a powerful thing to see.

    Hey, you have to set a date! Tell me when you’re free! 😀

  4. Your pictures are beautiful, as usual! And the apple crumble looks fabulous! Your posts always make me smile and bring a great amount of peace and serenity.


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